Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
