Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I have feelings that need drinking.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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