Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
