Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
