I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
