dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
