She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
