Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I didn't notice because vodka
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
