Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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