you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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