I've blown a few things in my day
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Randomize