how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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