I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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