I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
