I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
