I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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