Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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