Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
