I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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