If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
