So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
