I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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