Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
