Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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