If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize