I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
