Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
