I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
