A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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