i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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