y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
