I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
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