Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
