The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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