Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
