i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
