you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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