My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
i out mim tonsoeep
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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