it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
