On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
