im six kinds of drunk right now
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
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