I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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