You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
