Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
