god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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