i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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