I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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