u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
