my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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