does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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