My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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