i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
