Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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