hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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