Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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