I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
