Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
