1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
