No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
there's paper in my vomit.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize