I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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