I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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