Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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