the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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