Pappa wants mamma naked
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
