You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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